(not) Proudly South African

At one time, during the years of apartheid, I used to be ashamed to be a South African. I remember my first ever overseas trip, when I was lucky enough to be part of a student exchange programme with an American university.

I would hate having to tell people I was from South Africa, as the comments or just funny looks would then follow. As a white South African I was considered guilty for apartheid, unless proven otherwise. But it was even worse when the odd person saw my South African-ness as a good thing. I remember cringing when I was travelling long-distance on a Greyhound bus, and during our introductions the person sitting next  to me exclaimed for everyone to hear: "You're from South Africa! You all are doing the right thing down there!"

Then, there was a time when I was proud to be South African. I was in Kampala in late 1993 for work, and people in the streets and the marketplace would ask where I was from, and then excitedly chat about the upcoming elections set for April 94. During and after the elections, of course there was all the hype and it felt good to come from a country where we were trying and seemingly succeeding to overcome our differences. The wins in the rugby World Cup and soccer Africa Cup of Nations just fed the feeling of pride.

Then over the years we began to realise the 'miracle' was more hype than reality, that it would take a long time, and hard work, to redress wrongs, to ensure people had houses, water, and electricity -- the basics for a decent life. Our government did many good things, but many things that were not so good. Our economy was growing, but the gap between the rich and poor was widening, there was Aids denialism and so on. Still, we were normal -- not much better or worse than most other nations. I could still hold my head up in international company.

Lately, I'm starting to get that uncomfortable ashamed feeling again when I travel. The comments about South Africa are once again either angry or derisory. "Did you see the CNN report on racist white university students torturing black staff?"  "Your president says there's no crisis in Zimbabwe!", "Jacob Zuma is going to be your next president -- ha ha ha!", "How could Thabo Mbeki prematurely announce our president's death?"

The low point came last night, when I was traveling with some Zambian friends in a Lusaka taxi. My friend was asking about the recent xenophobia in South Africa and saying he was worried about his sister who lives in Johannesburg. He was also talking about how he was hijacked when traveling in South Africa, and saying how he always has to watch his back in Johannesburg. I wanted to say things are not all THAT bad. Then over the radio came the news bulletin -- with the story that the entire Zambian under-20 soccer team had had its luggage stolen at OR Tambo International airport. I just groaned and hung my head.