• Gender
• Zimbabwe

ShareThis

Average rating

 

 

 

 

 

(0 votes)

Rate this: ---Excellent!Great!GoodQuite goodNot so great

• Login to post comments

The culture of silence amongst  African lesbians has been an area of concern and interest to me as everything that happens or affects the lesbian community, always boils down to the fact that it is very difficult for us to speak our true feelings out. So I’ve decided to take time and investigate this issue.

l’d like to start from the beginning of time, when a girl child is born into a family where in most cases the father is the Head of the family. What he says must go, he’s got the first and the last say, and the mother has to prepare the food in the evening and bring the whole pot of meat to the father to choose and dish for himself first -- and whoever else has to share what’s left from him.

The mother bows down as a form of respect to the father and never complains or asks questions, argues or challenges him; she just conforms to the societal expectations of a good wife and just keeps quiet about it! One of the ground principles she is taught is “A woman must be seen, not heard.”

Not forgetting the fact that in some or most cases the father might not be there due to work, as most were working away from home or they were never part of the family at all!

A girl child looks up to the mother as her pillar of strength and everything. She grows up and she reaches a stage of puberty, having never had a talk with her on anything on sexuality; I mean anything at all! She’s got a slight idea that one day she is going to have periods but she doesn’t know much on that, as she only heard it from some classmates at school. She mostly doesn’t feel like doing “girly” things, but it it’s so difficult to explain it as she does not have anyone to speak to so she keeps it in and she knows deep down that she is different, and she doesn’t really know how!!

She gets overwhelmed sometimes by loneliness and feels isolated and different as she can’t relate to anyone but she keeps quiet anyway. The time come comes when she gets periods. She’s scared to tell her parents, in most cases the Mom, but she knows what to do because at school somehow she got the information. And that is once again done, dusted under the carpet and kept quiet about.

When and if the mother finds out, there’s not much to say except for buying a packet of sanitary towels and saying “Be Careful Of The Boys” Well, that’s probably good but is it enough?

As she grows up she knows that she is really not attracted to boys, she only hangs out with the boys as she feels attracted to girls. She acts and behaves like a boy, experimenting on cigarettes, alcohol and in some cases drugs. Well, she’s quiet about everything as nobody seems to understand her at home, at school and even in the society.

The male friends that she hangs out with don’t really understand her, as they surely know that she is a female and they can’t seem to understand her although they treat her as one of them.

As the topic of sexual orientation and sexuality is not discussed, once again they keep quiet about it. In fact she doesn’t even know herself. All she knows is that she is different and once again because of our societal norms, the first thing that comes to mind is that she is a boy as she does all the things that boys do.

This becomes very difficult and puts a lot of strain on the family. With the inability to sit her down and try to understand what is really going on with her and support her, all that comes to mind is “What are the people going to say?”

Now the family alienates her, she’s once again on her own, she is more reliant on her “male” friends as she at least relates more to them. She gets deeper into drugs and alcohol as they make her feel like she belongs and is happy for a while.

In that moment of vulnerability, she becomes exposed to sexual violence by one or all of her friends or even worse, a member or members of the society: remember they don’t understand and as they are under influence they take advantage as they know the she is a woman. In some cases they just think she’ll be fine after that as she probably only needed a “real man”.

Some want to spite her as they feel threatened by her -- that she might take their girlfriends. Some  abuse her, just so she a learns of what is  expected of an African woman.

Sadly, she keeps quiet about it because she’s ashamed and hurting inside and lonely, as nobody is there to listen and understand her. The only thing that keeps her going is what she tells herself everyday that: “It didn’t happen.”

She discovers that she is pregnant. She’s scared, lonely and confused. With desperation and as hard as it is and on her own she manages to get rid of the baby. And again just keeps quiet about it. This is just one possibility.

In a few months' time, life goes on, she’s finally at peace and at ease as she has left the community where she grew up and is now staying with her female partner and they are very happy.

The problem starts once again as she is deeply affected by the Culture Of Silence: in fact she doesn’t find it necessary to talk openly about things. She’d rather cause a huge fight with her partner the day before her periods start so that she can disappear and come back to work things out when its finished, rather than talking it out and saying, “Babe, it’s that time of the month.”

Sadly, she falls sick

At the back of her mind something clicks about the sexual violence experienced years ago, but once again she keeps quiet because it didn’t happen. The partner is deeply hurting. She doesn’t know where to go and seek necessary help, because she also doesn’t know as everything is kept in silence.

She sadly dies

The partner is under tremendous stress and heartache and blames every one, including God, for what happened. She is confused and helpless after losing the love of her life; even more devastated and broken when she gets the information that her partner died of AIDS.

She then blames herself as her partner kept everything in silence. The partner also keeps everything in silence. She cannot reveal what killed her partner, and let alone find out about her own status.

SADLY
Let’s take a closer look in this deadly Culture of Silence.

How can her partner not feel this way.

As things were happening in her family, and the mother who is the role model was kept in SILENCE.

As sexuality and sexual orientation discussions were kept in SILENCE.

As periods were kept in SILENCE.

As exposure to drugs and alcohol as a form of stress relief was kept in SILENCE.

As being a victim of sexual violence was kept in SILENCE.

As she has seen no need to go and get tested for the possibility of HIV infection because everything was kept in SILENCE.

As she didn’t need to use protection with her partner, afraid of breaking the SILENCE.

She ends up being SILENCED by SILENCE.

Yes SILENCE is GOLDEN, but is it worth it When so many of us are SILENCED by IT and DYING in IT?